The loneliness is a fact, I read this week in an interview with a successful entrepreneur. Further on I read the context of the statement: with leadership comes loneliness. Whether you are running a large business or leading a small team.
When I started in my first leadership role, my calendar was overflowing from day one. Including on the day I was meant to have lunch with my team for the very first time. I was looking forward to it and joined the table five minutes later than the rest.
And then it happened.
Exactly at the moment I sat down, something in the conversation at the table shifted. I could feel it. And I overheard that a certain topic would be continued later without me.
What? What is going on here!
I know all too well what it feels like not to be part of a group or a team. It’s a place I recognize from earlier in life. Each time I encounter such a situation, I feel a strong urge to adapt. Hoping I will feel more welcome and accepted.
What followed was a period in which I struggled to take my place as a leader. I tried to be a member of my own team. I adapted and stepped away from my role.
At other times this got me into trouble. In an attempt to reclaim my position as leader, I became authoritarian. Hoping that in this way I could lead my team.
In the months after that first lunch, a lot happened. The department we were part of might be transferred to another company. That would have a major impact on all of us. It created a lot of unrest. And in the middle of all that, my performance as a leader came under scrutiny.
As a leader, you are by definition not part of your own team. I only learned that years later.
It is very healthy as a leader to draw ‘nourishment’ from a team. But that should be a team made up of people at your own hierarchical level in the organization. Or outside of it, that works too.
Don’t get me wrong. As a leader you don’t have to keep a forced distance from the team you lead. And you can absolutely have fun together with your team members.
It does mean that as a leader you have a different place to take. I see it as a law of nature.
In systemic work this principle is described with sharp clarity.
Enduring loneliness is the first of the 4 core tasks of leadership.
How I wish I had known that back then.
Curious about the next step in your leadership?
The loneliness in leadership is a fact. And it’s also important to know that you don’t have to stand alone. The next step in your leadership journey is about active development—daring to look at yourself and your place as a leader. About the systems you operate in and the behaviors you show. If you notice that challenges keep piling up, or if you simply want more insight into the effectiveness of your leadership style, then it’s time to consciously engage in the process.
You can already take the first step today: start with the Leadership Test. This test quickly and clearly provides insight into the four core tasks of leadership (Position, Role Modeling, Direction & Decisiveness, and Space & Boundaries). Think of it as a mirror that helps you identify where your growth potential as a leader lies.
Do you then want to actively and personally work with the results and your leadership questions? Then Leadership Coaching is the next step. Here, we work one-on-one on your authentic leadership, so that you stand more firmly, even when the situation becomes complex.
For organizations and management teams that want to make a leap together, we offer tailor-made Leadership Programs. This way, you can work together—while still building from a strong individual foundation—towards a stronger and more connected leadership culture. Whichever step you choose, it’s about continuing to grow and giving yourself the right support along the way.
