The loneliness is a fact, I read this week in an interview with a successful entrepreneur. Further on I read the context of the statement: with leadership comes loneliness. Whether you are running a large business or leading a small team.
When I started in my first leadership role, my calendar was overflowing from day one. Including on the day I was meant to have lunch with my team for the very first time. I was looking forward to it and joined the table five minutes later than the rest.
And then it happened.
Exactly at the moment I sat down, something in the conversation at the table shifted. I could feel it. And I overheard that a certain topic would be continued later without me.
What? What is going on here!
I know all too well what it feels like not to be part of a group or a team. It’s a place I recognize from earlier in life. Each time I encounter such a situation, I feel a strong urge to adapt. Hoping I will feel more welcome and accepted.
What followed was a period in which I struggled to take my place as a leader. I tried to be a member of my own team. I adapted and stepped away from my role.
At other times this got me into trouble. In an attempt to reclaim my position as leader, I became authoritarian. Hoping that in this way I could lead my team.
In the months after that first lunch, a lot happened. The department we were part of might be transferred to another company. That would have a major impact on all of us. It created a lot of unrest. And in the middle of all that, my performance as a leader came under scrutiny.
As a leader, you are by definition not part of your own team. I only learned that years later.
It is very healthy as a leader to draw ‘nourishment’ from a team. But that should be a team made up of people at your own hierarchical level in the organization. Or outside of it, that works too.
Don’t get me wrong. As a leader you don’t have to keep a forced distance from the team you lead. And you can absolutely have fun together with your team members.
It does mean that as a leader you have a different place to take. I see it as a law of nature.
In systemic work this principle is described with sharp clarity.
Enduring loneliness is the first of the 4 core tasks of leadership.
How I wish I had known that back then.
Curious about the next step in your leadership?
Loneliness in leadership is real. But standing apart from the team does not mean standing alone. The next step is to look more closely at your own position as a leader, the systems you work in and the behaviour that follows from that position.
If you notice that challenges keep piling up, or you want a clearer view of how effective your leadership is, start with reflection rather than more effort.
Want to explore what your position as a leader calls for? Read how leadership coaching in The Hague helps you reflect on your role, responsibilities and the patterns in your work.
We work one-to-one on your leadership questions, helping you stand more firmly in your role, even when the situation becomes complex.
For management teams and organisations, see support for organisations.
Continue reading: explore leadership coaching, or read Leadership without a mandate and Always more, better and faster?.
