Some leaders deliberately keep their distance. They share little about themselves, keep conversations functional and make sure things do not become too personal. They hope this will protect their position. After all, getting too close might make a difficult decision harder to take.
Other leaders move in the opposite direction. They want to be approachable, join in and remain part of the group. They laugh along, recognise frustrations and sometimes join complaints about a decision from above. The connection feels good, until they need to challenge someone or set a boundary.
Both approaches reflect an understandable need. You want to feel connected and be able to do your job as a leader. The question is how you can be close without losing your position.
Distance does not automatically protect your position
If you mainly focus on tasks, people may know exactly what you expect of them. But do they also know they can come to you when something is difficult? When they have made a mistake, are worried about something or disagree with your approach?
With too much distance, you can easily end up hearing only the information people consider appropriate to share with their manager. The project is on schedule. The meeting went well. There is nothing to report. Meanwhile, very different conversations may be happening over coffee.
More personal contact can make room for that other information. You show that you are human, with doubts, enthusiasm and limitations. You ask a question whose answer does not immediately need to become an action point. You keep listening when someone cannot quite find the words.
This does not mean everyone needs to know everything about your private life. Closeness can also grow in small moments when someone notices that you are truly paying attention.
Being close is not the same as belonging to the group
You may recognise the other extreme when you want to remain one of the team. You join conversations, seek understanding and try to prevent your job title from coming between you and other people. This can happen almost automatically, especially if you used to be their colleague.
Yet something has changed. You have responsibilities that others do not. You assess performance, allocate attention and resources, set boundaries and represent decisions. Even when you temporarily forget that role, others often remain aware of it.
Joining in complaints about a senior management decision, for example, may create a sense of connection in the moment. But what does it ask of your team when you then have to implement that same decision? And where can people turn for direction if you mainly stand alongside them in their frustration?
You can understand their disappointment without taking it on entirely. You can acknowledge what you find difficult while remaining clear about your responsibility now.
A different position calls for clarity
From a systemic perspective, you occupy a different position from the people you lead. This says nothing about your worth as a person. It says something about your task and the responsibility that comes with your position.
You do not need to become distant. It does help to recognise that the relationship is not equal in every respect. An employee does not need to resolve your uncertainty. Your team does not need to reassure you that everyone still likes you after a difficult decision.
Needing support is entirely human. Find an appropriate place for it: your own manager, a colleague with similar responsibilities or a coach. You can read more about this aspect of your role in Why leadership sometimes feels lonely.
Stay connected when things become uncomfortable
Closeness and position come together in a difficult conversation. You can take someone seriously and still make clear that an agreement matters. You can listen to their response to a decision while remaining clear about the direction.
For example: “I understand that this affects you, and I want to hear what is going on for you. At the same time, this remains the agreement we need to meet.” You make room for the other person while taking your own responsibility.
Notice what you do when the tension rises. Do you explain more in the hope of gaining understanding? Do you soften your boundary? Or do you retreat behind your job title and end the conversation before you have really heard what is happening?
You do not have to resolve the discomfort straight away. Sometimes it is enough to stay present, listen and calmly repeat your message.
Which way do you tend to move?
Think back to a recent moment when you felt uncomfortable in your position. What did you do? Did you create more distance, or seek more connection? And what did the conversation need that you found difficult to offer?
Your next step may be to show a little more of yourself. Or it may be to stand behind a decision more clearly, even when not everyone welcomes it. The work is to tolerate closeness without losing your position, and to take your position without having to create distance.
Would you like to explore how this works for you? In leadership coaching, we work with situations from your everyday practice. If this is a wider theme in your leadership team, read more about our approach for organisations.
